Mayor’s Journal, 5th December, 2010:
Of Love and Picnics
I love picnics. I try to make them happen whenever I can. Not that it’s always a complicated affair, sometimes it’s nothing more than cutting up some chunks of bread and cheese with tomato, sitting under a tree somewhere green and friendly. But I just love the idea of eating outside in some carefree way, getting our fingers all smothered in juice or sauce or mustard. Who can say why?
Sometimes the picnics I organized for Pat and me were so simple, she would come home from work with an hour for lunch and I would have prepared something to eat in some plastic-ware. Then we’d go sit by the village ‘lavoir’, which is the old washing shed where the women would come in days gone by to scrub and rinse their laundry (as recently as ten years ago I still saw some women doing this). The lavoir is located on the little stream that runs through the village and we’d sit by the stream as it entered the washing shed in little cascades, skipping from one level to the other as the water made its way down from one large stone-lined pool to the next, and then out back into the stream.
At the end of our meal I would pull out from a backpack the little camping stove and an Italian coffee maker. Within minutes I had that thing spluttering away, filling the aluminium top part with a thick dark brew of coffee. Even if it were cool, we would enjoy that coffee steaming in its porcelain cup (only porcelain will do), with a lump of rough raw sugar to take edge off the bitterness.
Ahhh…
Hey, what? What’s this have to do with love? Nothing. No, everything. It has as much to do with love as anything else, of course. But for me, picnics just seem to evoke that sense of freedom, lightness and spontaneity that we associate with love. And Love has been on my mind lately.
As you know, the last couple of months or so I’ve been struggling a bit to find a durable sense of inner peace. Up till September, I could convince myself all was okay and on track in my world. Then it became harder to still maintain that belief, given the ultimatum I had given myself: “By September you will have found new work or will have decided on your next career direction.” Blahdy, blahdy… You’ve all heard that one now. And as you all know, ultimatums can never possibly lead to peace. They are purpose-built to ensure guilt raises its sword and swiftly separates the worthy from the unworthy. You know which side of the fence I thought I landed on!
So, where’s Love gone? Where’s the picnic?
Strangely enough, I thought I was doing the Course well, though I was pretty sure that fear and self-condemnation weren’t normally part of the deal. It’s just that the ego can convince itself sometimes that it is supremely wise and all-knowing. In my case, I thought that doing the Course meant focusing on the dark side of the ego, looking for the self-judgment and fear etc. What I didn’t appreciate was that the ego can actually surreptiously lead one through Ken’s process, convincing one that he is just doing the hard work of forgiveness. I should have been suspicious when I heard an inner voice saying, “This is hard work!” But I wasn’t. Discomfort can feel so natural that I didn’t even know it was there, and building.
I knew the answer was to take the entire process more and more lightly, but in the classic logic of the ego, this felt like I wasn’t doing it properly! What was the problem? Again, I was making the ego real, making condemnation real and significant. But anytime I tried to look at the entire scenario more lightly, I felt I was betraying the process, I was cheating. As if this was supposed to be difficult: if I wasn’t feeling pain – so went this logic – then I should seriously doubt I was doing the process correctly. I had so drummed into my mind that we must never underestimate the viciousness of the ego, and that we should always be aware of the hatefulness in all our thoughts, that I was temporarily incapable of finding my way back to a sense of equanimity and peaceful observation. The good news is that that’s all over now. (yay!)
I learned a big lesson.
Ken has taught us that we must be aware of our tendency to underestimate the ego, to believe that we are further along than we think. He asks us to be very observant of our thoughts in order to discover the true level of murderous and exclusion lurking there. This is the only way to make real progress with this Course. Then, as we know, we must take this to the presence of Love and kindness where it will dissolve.
I would make another qualifying statement to supplement Ken’s: “Never overestimate the ego – the ego is not more powerful than Love.” Our goal is Love, the remembrance of that remarkable state of warmth, clarity and all-knowing security that is incapable of fear or doubt. I thought that doing the Course properly meant not looking toward Love, but toward the ego. To a certain extent this is absolutely true. But only to a certain extent – not to the exclusion of Love.
I believe that those of us at the Village are pretty well devoted students of Ken’s. In that case, we all know that the focus of our work is uncovering our unloving, separating thoughts, and bringing them to the Love, to Jesus, within our minds. The method we use is not working at finding the Love within us, but finding the obstacles to Love within us. This we know pretty well. On the other hand, I would like to make sure that we remind ourselves from time to time that Love also has its symbols, that there is a real and valid reason to remind ourselves that Love is our true and only goal.
And so I propose that we begin to weave into our work at the Village some thoughts and meditations that remind us of this magical, wonderful goal…
“You are as God created you. The sounds of this world are still, the sights of this world disappear, and all the thoughts that this world ever held are wiped away forever by this one idea…
True light is strength, and strength is sinlessness. If you remain as god created you, you must be strong and light must be in you. He Who ensured your sinlessness must be the guarantee of strength and light as well. You are as God created you. Darkness cannot obscure the glory of God’s Son. You stand in light, strong in the sinlessness in which you were created, and in which you will remain throughout eternity…” (Lesson 94)
For a long time I had a reaction to this lesson that bordered on an allergy. The same with lesson 93 (Light and joy and peace abide in me). I skipped over them and focused on all the lessons that were more incisive, looking at the ego, etc. Perhaps this is an occupational hazard of those working with Ken (he is often reminding us to not skip the difficult work, thinking we could gain Heaven if we simply repeated these beautiful lessons often enough). This is a mistake we can fall into naturally. It’s certainly not because of anything to do with him, of course; it’s because it’s so easy for the ego to come along for the ACIM ride. It’s so easy to think that we’re doing what Ken wants because we’re feeling uncomfortable (in my experience). And then the ego logically might conclude that it’s about feeling uncomfortable all the time. In the ego’s language, “no pain, no gain’ becomes “because there’s pain, there’s gain.” As if that could possibly be the path Jesus wants us to walk.
I’m now convinced there’s a gentler way of coming to Jesus, and I intend to work this principle into our little Village from now on. There is ‘gain’ to be had, and it’s not always about ‘pain’. There is a peacefulness and sense of release from our damaging self-concepts that we can reach. There are some pretty magnificent rewards to be won from doing this work. Let’s make sure we don’t forget those, too. The royal picnic is there; it asks only for us to come with “wholly empty hands unto our God.”
Mayor’s Journal, 8th December, 2010:
To all the guilty caretakers out there – You cannot be a good Jesus substitute for another person!
Following a recent event in my life with an extended family member and a conversation with a Villager going through something similar, this piece came to me.
Who has not had the experience of feeling just terrible when faced with another person’s anger, sadness or pain? Maybe you even know that he or she is laying a guilt trip on you, but it doesn’t help. You free-fall into the trap, and that crushing, self-abasing sentiment of having done wrong and hurting another, or just not doing enough, fills you with a sense of ‘icy hopelessness’. What’s actually going on, why is it so hard to pull ourselves out and back into the calm fields of equanimity and wisdom?
Our mind whispers, “By my suffering this guilt and torment, this person’s suffering is reduced. So if only I could suffer enough, this person would somehow feel better. At least, if I don’t suffer because of their anger, pain and upset, they would take that really badly.” Where’s this craziness coming from? Why do we sense that this person would somehow feel better if we felt bad?
It helps if first we remember that the reason that people feel pain or suffering of any nature is because they are failing to turn within and seek the Love they need there in their own mind, in the folds of Jesus’ cloak. They sense crushing guilt in their minds, but their own decision for suffering seems too intolerable to face. They cannot bear to confront their choice to turn away from the support and love of Jesus within their own mind; consequently they believe they can magically rid themselves of this responsibility and weightiness if they place it on you. “You can do something about my pain,” so they whisper, “but because you are so horrible you’re choosing not to do it. It’s your choice for me to be in pain, not mine. You have the magical solution – just do what I want you to do. It’s so simple! And yet you refuse. How heartless!”
As we all know, that finger pointing at us accusingly seems to leap out at us as if from some metaphysical 3D horror film: “God has found me! Now I’ve had it. Repent, repent, feel guilty. I’ll torment myself, and all shall see that I truly regret my terrible acts. Oh, this terrible power of mine that I have abused yet again. Woe, woe.”
When you accept this responsibility, you claim that, indeed, you have this special magical ability to lessen this person’s suffering. You give yourself this remarkable ability to remove this person’s pain just by some act or another. Yes, you believe you are Jesus (or God) and have remarkable abilities of healing and succour. But because it is ‘one or the other’, because our wellness in this world is a question of providing the right external conditions (and not as a result of a choice to access inner peace), you must also defend the demands on your time and resources, which are limited. This person’s well-being must be sacrificed, so the logic goes, so that yours or your loved one’s might be maintained. We can easily see here how this plays into our individuality’s sense of identity and specialness. This entire drama is maintaining the myth that our life is within this outer, imperfect world as separated beings, and not within any perfect inner world.
Going one step further, we can see how a part of us might actually delight in this kind of power. I.e. we have a secret investment in the situation as it is. This person’s continued suffering at our hand actually reinforces our sense that we hold the power over life and death, happiness and unhappiness, for him or her. All we have to do is pay the occasional price of a little guilt, and we can keep this entire game going for a long, long time. We might even be able to recognize within ourselves a twisted sense that this person must deserve to be suffering. There is a certain ego logic that says that while this person suffers like this and needs my help, it must be because God has looked less favorably on him than on me. And we all know that God is never wrong. Consequently, his continued suffering is on-going proof of my innocence and deservedness of God’s favor.
The reason we feel guilty when someone suffers and points the finger at us should be clear by now. The whole game is based on keeping guilt very alive and vigorous, and the more we participate, the more we know on an unconscious level that we are reinforcing the underlying attack and condemnation. Yet we feel the only solution is to feel even guiltier, saying to ourselves that somehow if we feel bad enough God won’t really punish us. In fact, if I feel sufficiently bad, and maybe even fall sick, have a car crash or have a nervous breakdown, the guilt will fall back on the other person. ‘Look at what you’ve done to me by your emotional blackmail! I couldn’t concentrate and had an accident, I’ve been so upset, I can’t function and work anymore. Look what you’re doing to me! You’re killing me!’ Our ego’s death wish rises to the surface of our mind, and our own suffering seems to be the only solution for our inherent wickedness which this person’s suffering seems to demonstrate. But we know we are playing the exact same game and trying to send the volley-ball of guilt back over the net to the initiator of the game. And we pray, “if only God/destiny/fate would remove this person from my life, all would be well – I would be saved from my guilt.” Which is, of course, just another way of saying that if this person died, I’d feel better. Oh, what tangled webs we weave!
But let’s say that we’re willing to forgo this specialness now and seek a real solution, for their sake and ours. We must begin by learning to accept that whatever this person wants from us, whatever he claims will make him feel better, is not the ultimate solution. It might be a stopgap measure, and in some cases it might be wise and kind to do as he requests. But whatever it is, it will not remove the guilt from his mind causing him pain. The only thing that will ever really help is guiding him to turn within and choose the guiltlessness offered by Jesus, enfolding himself once more within His Love. And we do this by remembering first and foremost to do this for ourselves.
We need to learn to say (in our minds): “I cannot make you choose again, choose to draw closer to Jesus within your mind and to find the comfort there you are really looking for. You think you are looking for something from me, but that’s not going to really help you. I might think it will help, and I might think I have the power to make you feel better. But that’s no answer at all, not for you and not for me. As much as I might like to think so, I cannot replace Jesus for you and bring you the comfort you want. That would be silly for me to try to do.”
If we choose not to define the problem this way within our own minds (as an internal, not external drama), then we are naturally accepting the logic of the situation as this person is providing it. And if this is our choice, it is because we are afraid of accepting the problem as it really is, and the solution as it really is. We do not want to accept that this person retains the perfect solution in his mind to his pain, and prefer to think we have the solution to his problem, because we do not want to acknowledge that we contain the answer to all our pain within our minds. And so, yes, as usual, we find that we are doing precisely the same thing as this person we are inevitably judging. We cannot possibly judge him for not turning within, because we are committing exactly the same mistake. We must become aware when our acts actually intend to help ‘save’ this person from his fear of Jesus. You know that Jesus scares him, because Jesus scares you. You believe that by saving this person from that terrible fear within, by keeping the problem within the circumstances of his life, you will keep the problem outside of your mind, too.
I think it is also wise to keep in mind that if this guilt is circulating around in our minds, that is because we are deeply attracted to it. Yes! (how strange, you say) We must always remember that guilt is the feeling we associate with our body’s life, with our individuality. I feel the most alive, the most ‘me’ in my private, particular life, whenever I feel really guilty. No one else is facing these unique set of circumstances with all the different characters, events and dramas. This is my life! I would not recognize my life if this situation suddenly evaporated, leaving no trace behind but just a calm even peacefulness. This situation has perhaps been part of my story for a long, long time. And so we need to appreciate the depth of our attachment to this story, which of course keeps it rotating in our thoughts, being turned over and upside down and inside out – perpetually. And so at some point we will need to say, “Enough already! I’d rather let go of the story of my life the way I’ve made it up till now. There must be another way!” And, voilà, a perfect invitation is born.
On another note, I might hear myself saying in my mind, but if I accept the presence of Love and guiltlessness in my own mind and feel much better, that will upset this person even more! He will take this as an affront, as arrogance and true heartlessness on my part. And then he will say: “How can you be peaceful and happy when I’m in such pain? I was right, you really don’t love me or care about me! This is proof! How evil you are!” I’m no longer playing the game we agreed to play (and have perhaps been playing for thirty or forty years); I’m no longer accepting my part in this terrible dance. There’s no doubt that this would be very unsettling for a partner with whom we have been dancing for a long time. But perhaps this person will learn to feel that the peacefulness we are now feeling is actually what he really wants to join in on, the new dance he wants to join, and not just some simplistic solution that will almost immediately lose effect.
If we truly love our brother (or colleague, parent, partner, sibling, child, or client), then we would remember for him what the true solution is to his problem. We would not continue to insist on our power to remove his pain, and we would try to find a way to communicate to him that he contains inner resources he was perhaps unaware of. This is not to say that we might not do what we need to do in this world to help someone materially (and perhaps we will see that it’s time to stop). But we would change our inner focus, and free ourselves from our feelings of guilt, power and specialness. This is the path we have chosen, to remember peace in the place of fear. To demonstrate guiltlessness and strength by giving them life within our own minds.
Now, just before you start feeling all guilty about any of this craziness, go out and rent a good Abbot and Costello film! Whatever you do, don’t take any of this too seriously! Fold Jesus’ cloak around you, and sit on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and have a good laugh!
Mayor’s Journal, 10th December, 2010:
The Death Wish Thing – the funniest joke in the ego’s book!
The death wish is a powerful underlying force in our thoughts and lives. The subject for me personally has come up many, many times. I have wanted to write a little note about it for a while, and now seems like a good moment. My goal for this Village: that we learn to undo all our secret, guilty thoughts, bringing them out into the open where we can see the hidden, devastating – but completely ridiculous – logic behind them. Read, enjoy (?), and remember to always keep the Three Stooges close at hand!
Everything here is a death wish. Coming here is a death wish, since it is the wish for something other than Life. Coming here is the wish to experience something other than Life, so everything here is about constantly choosing what is not Life (i.e. turning away from Love). That’s the real wish that underlies every decision here. We will make thousands and thousands of decisions here, and avoid the one and only decision that will undo all the others: the decision to open the door again back to Love. To allow ourselves back through this magical door, to be enfolded once more in Jesus’ warm embrace.
Fortunately, the death-wish thing, it’s only a wish, a whim. There is no opposite to Life. We cannot kill ourselves – that’s impossible. All is Life, everywhere and always, despite appearances. Everything that seems to die or change is an appearance. We cannot take our life away, no matter what we may try. It was given to us, and can never be removed. And so it is with our guiltlessness as well. So, thinking of killing ourselves is not a sin. Jesus knows this is what we’re thinking each and every single moment of the day we are not turning towards him. It is no surprise to him. No biggie. As he says, “So, what’s new? Come home, already.”
The death wish is based on the idea of change. It assumes that we have changed ourselves from our original condition of sinlessness and wholeness, and have now become guilty and individualized (with a private, sinful life). Our lives here are about change: “If only I can finally make the right changes, and make other people make the right changes, then all will be well.” The death wish is about the ultimate, final change: “If only I change this last one final thing, then all my problems will be solved.”
The death wish is a way of insisting that I did indeed manage to pull off the impossible and make a separate life for myself by killing God; I did indeed manage to give myself this incredible power over life and death, just like God. No, better than God. “I’ll show him and everyone else how I have this amazing power to create myself, and then destroy myself.” In order to turn back toward Love, we must see the silly arrogance of thinking we have the power over life and death. And we must learn to be grateful that we could never give ourselves this real power. God is not dead. We did not kill Him. We don’t have that kind of power.
The only meaningful change is to change our minds. There is only one change we made – to leave our sane, right minds. And the only change we can make is to return back towards the Love that is there still in our minds. All these other questions of change are designed to disguise this one simple choice we have. The Life Wish we have.
The death wish occurs to us when we are in pain or guilt. It says, “The answer to the dilemma of my life is to end it. That will end all problems and questions.” The words that are unspoken: 1. “I’m too horrible to keep on living, there’s nothing I can do to change this terrible condition. There’s only one solution, and that’s to end the horrible thing I am.” (For those who have Paulo, re-read “Love and a Kitchen Spoon”) 2. “And this will show God how much pain I have been in, and then he will look for the people who have caused my suffering. He will not punish me because it’s clear I will already have suffered too much, and he’ll find those who are really guilty!” 3. “I’m not powerful enough to change these circumstances of my life, but I’ll show everyone how powerful I am by taking away my own life – no one can take that power of mine away; I’ll show them. I still hold the trump card. My death will be my final victory.”
The death wish underlies everything here. Everyone’s dearest wish is to die, and that’s why he does indeed have the experience of dying. He does not really die, but has what he considers to be the experience of dying. So it’s absolutely no surprise that this thought comes up from time to time, and maybe even often. Ultimately, when we attain the goal of this Course, we become aware of ourselves as the dreamers of the dream of this life. We begin to perceive that our ‘self’ is a dream figure and not a fixed reality, and we are outside the dream figure (not ‘in’ the dream figure). Then ‘dying’ becomes simply the experience of observing the passage of a dream. So, no experience of death.
In fact, if we really pay attention, we will find the death wish amongst our thoughts pretty much everywhere. It is the thought that says I don’t deserve Love, and it takes multiple different forms. It is the underlying expectation that negative things will happen to me. It takes the form of any negative experience or feeling, which is always a way of insisting that, “Love is not here because Love has been destroyed (because I did it!). Now I must be punished and ultimately destroyed for this terrible act.” A painful stubbed toe can be whispering, “this hurts because I have done something horribly wrong.” Yes, a stubbed toe = I have killed God. Even a cold sore says the same thing: this sore proves Love is dead – I have shattered Heaven with this sore. It’ll be nice when we can learn to smile at all this!
The death wish is an attempt to negate the presence and existence of Love. To undo it, all we need do is recognize that we do not really have the power to negate Love. (That is good news!) And we can recognize within our death wish ultimately our dearest wish which is to return to Love. We exercise our Life Wish when we become willing to look honestly at our death wish, and remember our love of Love.
Understanding the ‘logic’ behind all these self-negating thoughts can already help to take off the acuteness of our self-condemnation. There is a logical progression of arguments in favor of killing oneself, but only when we begin with the fundamental idea that we have, and have successfully used, our power to destroy Love. When we finally are willing to see that we were not successful in this effort, then the whole argument in favor of taking one’s life falls apart like a house of cards.
Turn back towards Love. Nothing can destroy Life; nothing can remove Love from your mind. From that possibility we are forever safe.
Oh, yeah, and give yerself a good tickle, too!
What can I say Major…I mean Mayor …I mean Brother Bernard! The Holy Spirit moved you to speak directly to me. “icy hopelessness” you found me floating all alone out there…I’m not sure I wanted to be found. But your eyes are so soft and I am so cold.
I just need time to thaw. Will wait for Lisi to come back from the city. We shall pop in the DVD and when I loosen this clenched jaw I will try and enjoy the popcorn.
I am afraid of that personal relationship with Jesus. That’s the bottom line for me…you caught me. I know he’s a swell dude but I feel more comfortable hanging out with you guys. And if I’m afraid of Jesus than how could I not be afraid of the Big Kahuna?
I thought I went through this once or twice before but I’m hitting resistance again??? !!!!
That’s what this winter season is all about going another layer deeper than we did last year. Might just hop on a plane and head for Australia and hang with Winnie, its summer there. As I wrote Australia, I remembered Al and Jimmy Zac are nearby too. Wow my mind is so ready to go.
Orville Redenbacher here I come!
Luv you guys-Couldn’t do this without you!
Annie
Magnificient, Beautiful post.
This article is simply THE SOLUTION of one my biggest forgiveness lesson. I’ve been struggling with this type of issues since 10 years with my parents. We do not share the same opinion about something and it turned in the kind of game which is well describe in the post.
The teachings of the course helped me tremendously to see my life from a different perspective and to understand what the whole process was about. I knew that it’s a conflict inside my mind that I’m projecting out. But my ego was really good at making appear real. Sometimes, even with the course teaching, I felt depressed and didn’t know what to do anymore, really. Especially, when they turned themselves into depression and pointed me as the cause of their pain.
All kind of thoughts crossed my little mind
– (Probably from my Ego) May be if I end my life, this conflict will be stopped: –> HS response: You will just push back this shadow in your mind and it will certainly repaper at surface. May be in a different form and then, you will have “to choose again”.
– May be I should do what they want me to do and it could quiet all this non sense burst going on. HS response: that is a temporary solution, for sure you I will not be permanently happy as you wish to be. Something else will come at the surface in which they will expect you to behave as they want, so they could be happier and proud of you. Since you didn’t learn this lesson completely, you will end up in the same conflict just in a different form.
I started applying some of the course teachings by saying in my mind: “I could see peace instead of this” or “You are perfect spirit, Free and Innocent, All is forgiven and release”. Nothing seems to work, it looks like things were getting worse. The more I was doing this, I came to the point where didn’t feel the same pain as before, but still depressed to see my parents busting out such amount of hate and accusing me for that.
The Holy Spirit helped me to understand that, the kind of happiness my parents are seeking is based on external behavior/circumstances. Due to the illusionary nature of this world, I can be certain that this “illusionary” happiness will not last for long and will fade away at one point.
I cried to Jesus, “Please help me see this differently, please help me remove the guilt in my mind which projecting this, please help me understand the real purpose of all this”.
Few days ago, driving to work, I heard like a whispering: If this is the dream I made up and projected out, I must be wishing secretly to see this game going on, I must be wishing to keep this victimized/victimization ping pong scenario somewhere deep in my mind. It could be that I’m just afraid of the love of God and I’m projecting that fear into this misunderstanding with my parents to make sure that LOVE will stay away from me.
It was difficult for me to accept that my resistance to the love of GOD could be so strong with all the forgiveness I’m doing daily. This morning I asked again to Jesus “How to remove this resistance?”
When reading this post, it was like Jesus talking to me and giving me the last key to wash away my own resistance. I was so happy that I couldn’t stop the tears of joy and peace in my eyes. The complete picture of this game is getting clear and I will play it with Jesus now. I trust that he will provide me all the tricks I need and will lead me gently to the end of the game in grace.
Thank you Jesus, Thank you Holy Spirit for being at our side.
With Love.
Eric.
Bernard, I have found that when I truly listen to the unhappy person – who might want me to help herhim – and say ” I REALLY hear how much you need my help” the dialog goes another track.When I listen deeply, and am aware of what I am feeling as I am listening, softening around it (forgiving it)I can just say back what I hear. I think 90% of the times the other will start to feel heard, and much of the desperation dissipates. I say this as a therapist who really have 22 years of practice listening to desperate people ( and some relatives too:-)
Bernard—-what a timely and excellent post! I am dealing with guilt and decisions regarding my dad, who is now having to have kidney dialysis, does not want to use the driving service provided, wants to drive HIMSELF—and there is a major snowstorm expected here on Saturday, the day in which he is going by himself! My feelings go from “I will NOT sacrifice myself to do this when he is just being stubborn and not wanting to use the means provided him…” to “Oh great—if he gets into a fatal accident to or from…..that’s on ‘my back’….” This morning, I asked J/HS to help me see this whole situation through their “eyes.” I had some thoughts, such as my dad in his stubbornness is myself…..I am never upset for the reason I think…….I, as decision making mind am AGAIN using someone else to blame for my unhappiness, and sense of sacrifice when it is my choice for the ego belief system in my mind that is causing this….and I just kept watching these thoughts.
Then—I came down and read this! It is the Answer, and I thank J/HS for this site, this post, and all of you. I am shown, yet again…..that we will be answered in the form that we can understand, yet that Answer….comes from a choice in the mind for the Teacher of Love….vs a choice in the mind for the teacher of hate. I am most grateful for the symbols that I can relate to, and very grateful from the Source…who uses many different forms of source…..
Gratitude and Love to all,
m
Wow, guess this article hit a sensitive issue with a few people. I’m really glad it helps. There are probably quite a number of us guilty caretakers out there. May we come out of the closet and join together for a good coffee and a good laugh!
Nina, that’s such a simple and such a wise idea! Just acknowledge what you’re hearing, what they’re really saying. Any other ideas will be very appreciated, I’m sure!
Welcome, Eric! Glad you wandered down the road into the Village. And thanks for your great post. We look forward to hearing more from you.
Thanks, too, Melody, for your great pondering. Hugs, B.
Eric, great to have you here and great pondering! i would love to know what you saw as your last key to your ongoing drama. Please share how it goes!
Nina
Bernard thanks from and ex (I hope)guilty caretaker. Really a wonderful post. All kind of memories began to fall over me like a waterfall, a really cold waterfall. I think you have some kind of spying system that is revealing you all our most hidden secrets!!! Really grateful that you spend your time giving us so wonderful help. This last part really touched me deeply:
“If we truly love our brother then we would remember for him what the true solution is to his problem. We would not continue to insist on our power to remove his pain…But we would change our inner focus, and free ourselves from our feeling of guilt, power and specialness. This is the path we have chosen, to remember peace in the place of fear. To demonstrate guiltlessness and strength by giving them life WITHIN our own minds.
Thanks again, leaving now with a big pop corn bag to share with Annie.
Much love to all,
LIsi
Welcome Eric, really a great sharing. Hope we continue hearing from you here at the Village. My parents are also one of my “difficult” relationships.
Great ponderings Annie, Nina and Melody. It was really helpful reading them. There is always something in all your sharings that makes me feel we are just one and the same.
Lots of hugs to all,
Lisi
Hello Eric. Thanks Bernard. re. Dec 8th caregivers. I could only read to the end of the second paragraph this morning and had to quit. I only had about ten minutes before needing to leave and the tears were trying to break free. Now almost twelve hours later I have read through it, but most of it vanished in the fog of guilt in my mind. Yesterday, I was the angry, sad,in pain person and in a loud shrill scream I projected it all at Cory because he has been goofing off about his schoolwork. There did seem to be a part of my mind that attempted to stop and be calm. And I did get some realiizations about how I was acting very, very much like how I had precieved my dad treating me as a kid and now I was doing basicly the same to Cory. I have apoligizied to Cory. I still feel like scum. I’ve been asking J for help. Resistance sucks. For some insane reason I must like being stuck. Abbott and Costello – “Who’s on First?”. Heck, I don’t think I’m even in the ballpark right now.
{Pam}
Pam
I love you!
please forgive me if this is not for you – for me it is so helpful when I have resistance: I remember that this is one of the times that I can be loving to myself, and that part of me who is in resistance because of fear. And then I do what a great friend of mine once told me – I think her name is Pam — just allow that part to empty out all that it thinks is wrong, and when there is a pause, ask “and what else?”
Nina
Dear sweet Pam, you’re very much in the ballpark if you’re just looking at yourself. We all are going to make mistakes and we all do, all the time. But Cory is a big boy and he loves his mom. There’s nothing you can’t fix with him, if I’m not mistaken. He will know you’re sincerely sorry if you tell him. And perhaps you can share with him your fears, and then maybe share with him that you know it’s not really him that’s the problem. I’m sure he would even understand if you told him that you’re just scared of Love, and this makes you think things are a big problem when they’re not really. And knowing that bright young lad, he’ll probably turn his big blue/brown eyes to you and say, “Mom, you don’t need to be scared of love anymore.” All you have to do with Cory is live your path honestly, taking responsibility for your choices, feelings and experiences. That will teach him the only important lesson we can ever teach our children. We cannot know what is in store for our children, what path they need to lead through this life they have chosen. We can only take care of them as best we can, guiding them to make the wisest choices they can, helping them understand the consequences in this world of certain acts and behavior (without our interpretations, if possible). Then it’s their choice.
Big hugs to you. I know you’re doing a great job. Try not to be quite so hard on yourself. You have done nothing to make yourself unacceptable to Jesus or God. Try them. See if they’re good for their word.
{{{{{Pam}}}}} Love you, Girl! I am in that same boat with you. In my particular case, I was acting like a God of Kindness and Love to my ex-significant Other during our break up. The Truth: I was throwing mental dagger after mental dagger. But on the outside, I was the dream person to break up with–so patient to wait on his time schedule to get moved out, etc. I couldn’t quite pull this off. So I came up with a reason to show him that he was Wrong and Guilty. So I guess I’m on the flip side of the protagonist of your article, Bernard. This and another recent event have shown me that I have a HUGE Authority Problem. I’m working on it, is all I can say…and please pass the popcorn. My particular movie selection seems to be “Funny Farm.” Love you guys! You teach me so much. Thanks!
Hugs! Laura
Pam you are so in the ballpark! With such few words I got the picture…you living life (chopping wood/carrying water) who doesn’t want to read one more post before they have to run out the door? However, you knew within the first few lines that this was not going to be a lite read. There it was …Spirit found an open back door temporarily unprotected. Nevertheless, you did what you were “suppose” to do and delayed your personal desire to do the obligatory work at hand with your only thought being to spare those around you the pain you were feeling.
So what plays out but a reenactment of an old wound. How to teach a child the importance of delayed gratification? This world is hard enough and goofing off will cost so much more in the long run…clearly a Truth handed down through the generations.
I can see it all playing out in slow motion…the voices from your past trying to teach you that important lesson not from a place of love but fear. And in the instant you remembered that punishing and judgemental verdict coming from your Fathers mouth in the same instant your heart was open and observed the thought it was never an attack on you- it was your Father wanting you to hold his pain…and so you did…you did what every sweet child wants to do…please their parent. Fast forward 20 years later and the scenario plays out almost identically…How could it be? You have worked so hard to not repeat the same mistakes. But there is a difference, a very big difference, a shift that there must be a better way presented itself.
The spell has been broken. You were able to watch it all play out and your first response was to hold the hand of Christ. That my dear is the miracle. No big bells and whistles to applaud the crumbling wall of fear that was just exposed. Nothing happened.
Pass the popcorn sweetie….you are awesome!
Just read your article Laura as I finished posting mine and its funny this must be the biggest bucket of popcorn on the planet cuz its being passed around the world (:
Ohh yes and Hello and Welcome Eric.
{{{Pam}}}, my dear and lovely sister Pam. You always reflects for me something of my life. I had a similar situation with my son when he was very young and I felt really guilty. I had not found the Course yet and, of course, the only thing I did was to hide it. Now, thanks to your sharing, it popped again, with all the pain I felt then, intact. What a great lesson, all that we have hidden is there, intact, just waiting to be projected and, of course, just waiting to reinforce our belief that we are despicable sinners. You are not alone working on this, nor it is Laura, in reality we are all together walking very close to each other,giving each other a hand, a hug or the loving word that every one of us needs in each moment.
Lots of hugs to all my Village sisters and brothers,
Much love,
Lisi
{{{Villagers}}} The fog is thinning and the Sonshine is coming through and I am starting to thaw. In one of the Ken tapes he talks about that in order not to skip the second step you have to feel the uglyness, allowing yourself to wallow in it for awhile so that you can better see the contrast. I’m still a bit dazed. So much happening and shifting. I am so Grateful for everyone’s support.
This is how Spirit works; Eric’s (am I correct?) 1st post highlighted so many things for me and this in particular..
“All kind of thoughts crossed my little mind
– (Probably from my Ego) May be if I end my life, this conflict will be stopped: –> HS response: You will just push back this shadow in your mind and it will certainly repaper at surface. May be in a different form and then, you will have “to choose again”.
Oh so many times these same death wish thoughts and somehow even before the Course knowing it wouldn’t solve anything and not knowing what would. Now one of my most oft thought of line is ” The world is not left by death but by truth,…”
Everyones comments before and after I pondered, thank you, Bless you everyone.
Warm thanks to you all for welcoming me in the village. What a beautiful place to share and learn the keys that will lead us gently home. I’ve being following most of the posts here and usually I don’t comment. But this magnificent post hits me at the core of my being and I couldn’t resist expressing my gratitude.
Indeed, Bernard provided me the last key I’m being looking for a long time ago and you can’t imagine how relieved I am since. Finally recognizing that there is nothing wrong I’m doing. I just have to turn within and accept the solution already provided by Jesus and all the rest will come quiet naturally. The key for me was to realize my own resistance to love being kept alive by my own guilt. I knew the solution would be from the course teachings, didn’t knew how to assemble the puzzle. Instead, I was hiding myself behind my “ego innocence”, desperately expecting something external to change or looking for ways to make my parents and other people understand my opinion.
Hopefully, the next steps in my journey will be much lighter and peaceful. I really appreciate your support and I’m sure that together, we will have magnificent experiences along the way.
With gratitude and love. Blessings to everyone.
Eric.
Eric, thanks so much for your sharing, loved this: I was hiding myself behind my “ego innocence”, desperately expecting something external to change or looking for ways to make my parents and other people understand my opinion.”
Yesterday I had one of my dreams in which I am the “innocent victim” and my parents play the punishing agents role. But something startling happened at the end, I awoke really feeling a victim and in that moment I had the thought: “you don´t have to fight with the dragons, you don´t have to convince them, you don´t even have to understand them. They are your desperate call for love, just listen, if you really listen, you will hear it.”
And I am feeling lighter, at least I am beginning to understand that there is no punishing agent but my own decision.
Great day to all of you at the Village.
Much love,
Lisi
This: “Turn back towards Love. Nothing can negate Life; nothing can remove Love from your mind. From that possibility we are forever safe.”
Today Liu Xiabo was awarded the Nobel Peace Price. Liv Ullman read his speech. I have never heard a speech that led the listeners to crying like this. Here is a man who truly knows who he is – and who has no enemies. he describes everyone – his judges, prosecutors,jailers,as persons with warmth and integrity, and praises them. Talk about seeing others as the Holy Son of God!
The atmosphere in the audience was indescribable. I think it was as if everyone remembered Heaven, and how it could be to live when everyone remembered what Love was. And here it was – streaming out of the speech, so sweetly read by Liv Ullman. If you have the possibility to see this on TV or read it, please do. This man IS peace – and he donated all of his award to victims of Chinese violence.
So lovely to have our own reporting from Norway re: todays Nobel Peace Prize. I shall try and find that speech. Thank you Nina. Truly this existence is just a hologram of the one underlying thought playing itself out in endless possibilities. As I’ve heard it said from the micro to the macro.
“Chinese leaders ensured that no one would be present to accept the committee’s gold medal and $1.5 million check by keeping Liu’s wife, Liu Xia under house arrest. They also forbade any other members of Liu’s extended family, and in some cases like minded individuals, from leaving China. After his speech, Jagland simply placed the Nobel medal and commendation on an empty blue chair. It was the first time that neither the winner nor a close associate was able to claim the prize since 1935 when Nazi Germany prevented pacifist Carl von Ossietzky from attending.”
(excerpt from mcclatchy newpaper)
I wanted to include the quote simply because it reinforced for me what Pam quoted earlier: ” The world is not left by death but by truth”
Heaven waits…the blue chair, the medal, the prize has our name on it waiting for us to claim it.
Peace be ours today
If anyone wants to read this speech, the website is …nobelprize. org and is titled “I have no enemies”.
Dear Mayor: I am still speechless!! Thanks for this so wonderful post. The death wish was a thought that me, too, considered as an exit at some points of my life. My point of view in looking death as a “solution” began to change as my study of the Course gave me light around this senseless action. In one part of the text Jesus says: “Perhaps you think this is accomplished through death, but nothing is accomplished through death, because death is nothing. Everything is accomplished through life, and life is of the mind and is in the mind…Death is an attempt to resolve conflict by not deciding at all. Like any other impossible solution the ego attempts, it will not work.” The last two lines gave me immense light on this and change my point of view about the matter completely.
Now, your post is really great in the sense that it unmask beautifully our ego trap. “Everything here is a death wish. Coming here is a death wish since it is the wish for something other than life.” You really summed it all up here. And here is where our work with the Course must begin. You really described it accurately and humorously and you took out of me, what Jesus is always asking us, a big, big smile. Thanks Bernard, sipping a delicious, just brewed, espresso and some of the chocolate covered croissants you left by the fireside.
Great weekend to all, Much love,
Lisi
I have to catch up with all these great posts. I’ve been a bit busy lately with non-Village business, which also takes me away from my true love. But that’s life (for the moment).
Eric, like Lisi I picked up on these great lines of yours, really clear: “I was hiding myself behind my “ego innocence”, desperately expecting something external to change or looking for ways to make my parents and other people understand my opinion.” That is sooo right. Thanks for being part of this really important discussion. If only we could make a little more progress with our core special relationships, we’d feel so much better.
Thanks for the link, Nina. I’ll try to get to it.
Lisi, I’m glad you enjoyed the death wish article. But maybe we should start to call it the Life-Wish? After all, everything here, even our death wish, is simply an indirect recognition of our Life Wish, the real wish that fills our hearts and that just intimidates us a little still. Just a little, and not for too much longer. Thanks so much for your honesty, sharing that you, too, have thought at times that death might be the solution. So funny, isn’t it? As if ‘life’ were the problem.
Bernard: Thanks so much for your “When “if only” transforms into “As if” post. Really wonderful and really helpful to me right now. I loved this: “If only I turned back toward Love, I would see that this guilt is nothing at all”. I needed this reminder right now.
A lot of posts I need to catch up. I will try to do it tomorrow. Meanwhile I send lots of hugs to all the Village.
Much love,
Lisi
Here’s a quote from “The Sedona Method” by Hale Dwoskin. Page 69:
“It’s mine, that’s why.” Pride is a shifty emotion. For we don’t only feel proud of our accomplishments, we also get really hooked into being subtly proud of our problems.We feel so special for having them. This pitfall on the path to freedom may take the form of feeling proud of having prevailed even with the problem, proud of having borne it for so long, or proud of having a problem that is unique to us alone.
Kep an eye open for pride. Look at your problems as you release on them, and check to see if you feel they make you “special.” If you find any pride ans you can honestly admit it and let it go, then you’ll find yourself free to let go of the problem, too.
I SOO love this.
Wow, that’s brilliant. So clear. I just wonder about what he says at the end, you just ‘let it go’. I’ve always wondered when people say this. The Buddhists use this idea a lot, of becoming detached, like we can detach ourselves from pride or anger or a situation. But I could just never make it work.
The first answer I really found was when I came upon Ken. He says we don’t really let it go, we just look at what we’re doing without judging it, and understanding why we’re doing it (the question of purpose – the little prideful self is a protection against Love). Then we remind ourselves that feeling pride is not really a happy feeling (we compare). Sitting together with Jesus in his Love, that’s a happy feeling. And so I realize that I’m not really happy being prideful, I don’t really want to be better than someone else – that’s not really going to make me happy, and besides, it’s akin to killing someone psychologically.
That helped me so much because suddenly I wasn’t an idiot because I couldn’t just ‘let it go’. Whenever I tried, I found that I had only had the impression of ‘letting something go’, but in actual fact I was still just as invested the next time the issue came around. Now when I see that I really don’t want that thought because it’s not serving me, and I can slip out of berating myself for having such a thought, than that seems help me make real progress. The next time the issue of my specialness comes up, I don’t seem quite so invested.
So I guess ‘letting go’ is looking clearly at what we’re doing without berating ourselves (gentle observation), then reminding ourselves that we’re doing this to separate ourselves from Love which is kind of silly (reviewing our purpose), and then we look at the feeling we might prefer, such as the all-encompassing and all-inclusive Love of Jesus (the comparison question). Then, ‘poof’, the investment just vanishes.
Bernard, you wrote: So I guess ‘letting go’ is looking clearly at what we’re doing without berating ourselves (gentle observation), then reminding ourselves that we’re doing this to separate ourselves from Love which is kind of silly (reviewing our purpose), and then we look at the feeling we might prefer, such as the all-encompassing and all-inclusive Love of Jesus (the comparison question). Then, ‘poof’, the investment just vanishes.
This letting go is very much like “looking”. And it gets very interesting when we are willing to let go of the “want” in wanting things – or letting go of 1 percent of the resistance – or letting go of my need to make it work – I love the last one – when i let go of that need – and the need to change things ( I can still keep the intention for change, but the neeeed – or 1% of it – can be accepted – welcoming it and letting it go is exactly the same thing, very interesting – and I love this, because my poor muscular system is getting rest, tensions falling off. And letting go is exactly looking without judging – or maybe letting go of 1& of the judging, and suddenly is all vanishes – very interesting, and for me, it w o r k s
OK, it “orks”
letting go of wanting to make this understandable 🙂
Loved your last line, Nina! So funny. Really, I got it, thanks! And I’m still a huge fan of your idea of forgiving 1 percent. It just works immediately for me. I mean, when I ask myself if I’m willing to let go of something, I feel like there’s this immediate ‘Hell, no!’ response, like a knee-jerk reaction. But then when i ask myself if I could let go of 1 percent, I just laugh and smile right away and say, ‘Of course!’
I don’t believe I read this the first time it was published, Bernard, three years ago now.
But now that I have, I must thank you for bringing out a deeper exploration of the topic,so many different lines spoke to me, like…
“(I) will make a thousand decisions in the world, and avoid the one and only decision that will undo the others: open the door again back to Love”
Crazy, crazy, but every moment today was testimony to the truth of what I do. Shutting the door to True Love.